When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

I made a belt out of watches once... It was a waist of time.

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"

This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?  Look for fresh prints.

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? Dunno, they're just a bit shady.

If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you!

What kind of music do mummy's like? Rap

What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.

A book just fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.

What did the dog say to the two trees? Bark bark.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot!

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

Why should you never trust a pig with a secret? Because it's bound to squeal.

Why are mummys scared of vacation? They're afraid to unwind.

Whiteboards ... are remarkable.

What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? A stega-snore-us.