A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

I went to a Foo Fighters Concert once... It was Everlong...

Some people eat light bulbs. They say it's a nice light snack.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.

What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? Lil Caesars

My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night. He was caught in a trap..

Never take advice from electrons. They are always negative.

Why are oranges the smartest fruit? Because they are made to concentrate. 

What did the beaver say to the tree? It's been nice gnawing you.

How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern? You use a pumpkin patch.

What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

I made a belt out of watches once... It was a waist of time.

This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!