Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.  That’s just how I roll.

Conjunctivitis.com – now that’s a site for sore eyes.

How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

Why was the robot angry? Because someone kept pressing his buttons!

Which is the fastest growing city in the world? Dublin'

A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

I went to a Foo Fighters Concert once... It was Everlong...

Some people eat light bulbs. They say it's a nice light snack.

I went to the store to pick up eight cans of sprite... when I got home I realized I'd only picked seven up

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.

What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? Lil Caesars

My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night. He was caught in a trap..

Never take advice from electrons. They are always negative.

Why are oranges the smartest fruit? Because they are made to concentrate. 

What did the beaver say to the tree? It's been nice gnawing you.