I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop signing "I'm A Believer"... Then I saw her face.

I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.

What do you call two barracuda fish?  A Pairacuda!

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

What do you do on a remote island? Try and find the TV island it belongs to.

Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.

Dad I’m hungry’ … ‘Hi hungry I’m dad

I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.  I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Whoever invented the knock-knock joke should get a no bell prize.

Wife: Honey I’m pregnant.

Me: Well…. what do we do now?

Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor.

Me: Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

Why was Pavlov's beard so soft?  Because he conditioned it.

Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty

Why did the kid throw the clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly!

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie? Because it was rated arrr!

Man, I really love my furniture... me and my recliner go way back.

What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed? "Don't look I'm changing!"

My son is studying to be a surgeon, I just hope he makes the cut.

Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!