How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern? You use a pumpkin patch.

Why do cows not have toes? They lactose!

What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

I made a belt out of watches once... It was a waist of time.

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"

This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?  Look for fresh prints.

My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

My boss told me to have a good day... so I went home.

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? Dunno, they're just a bit shady.

If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you!

I'd like to start a diet, but I've got too much on my plate right now.

What did the drummer name her twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two...

What kind of music do mummy's like? Rap

I remember when I was a kid, I opened my fridge and noticed one of my vegetables were crying. I guess I have some emotional cabbage.

What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.