Have you heard about the film "Constipation", you probably haven't because it's not out yet.

Did you know Albert Einstein was a real person? All this time, I thought he was just a theoretical physicist!

I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic, they said: go ahead, knock yourself out.

Why did the barber win the race? He took a short cut.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

What did the doctor say to the gingerbread man who broke his leg? Try icing it.

What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

"What time is it?" I don't know... it keeps changing.

You can't trust a ladder. It will always let you down

I am so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.

My friend said to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"

I had a rough day, and then somebody went and ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.

I adopted my dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door.

Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.

Some people say that comedians who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out, but they don't know watt they are talking about. They're not that bright.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!