Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.

As I get older, I think of all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't such a good idea.

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa-baa shop.

Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

Why did the miner get fired from his job? He took it for granite...

What did the hat say to the scarf?
You can hang around. I'll just go on ahead.

Where do cats write notes?
Scratch Paper!

Why is the new Kindle screen textured to look like paper? So you feel write at home.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology. It always was my achilles elbow

Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? "HDMI"

How do you make a 'one' disappear? You add a 'g' and it's 'gone'

Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band.

Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.

Nurse: Doctor, there's a patient that says he's invisible. Doctor: Well, tell him I can't see him right now!

What was a more important invention than the first telephone? The second one.