What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water. I said "Well dam"

I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub? Because he is 2 square.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

Why did the m&m go to school? Because it wanted to be a Smartie!

Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague? Now we just have to call him Dav.

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of stuff. It is enough to make a mango crazy.

Why are basketball players messy eaters? Because they are always dribbling.

Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it's indivisible.

I knew i shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now i’m feeling a little… Eel

Past, present, and future walked into a bar.... It was tense.

Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.

My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.

What's black and white and read all over? The newspaper.

Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

Without geometry life is pointless.

“Hold on, I have something in my shoe”  “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”