What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.

How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick.

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A beekeeper was indicted after he confessed to years of stealing at work. They charged him with emBEEzlement

I used to work for a soft drink can crusher. It was soda pressing.

Why did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play.

When Dad drops a pea off of his plate ‘oh dear I’ve pee’d on the table!

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? To prove that he was framed!

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

A dad washes his car with his son. But after a while, the son says, "why can't you just use a sponge?"

Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter. Doctor: I don't follow you.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home...

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.

I broke my finger at work today, on the other hand I'm completely fine.

I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

How does a scientist freshen their breath? With experi-mints!

What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.