576 jokes found

Joke
Dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. I will never forget his last words. Be positive.
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I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
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Why didn’t the orange win the race? It ran out of juice.
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Did you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride
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What animal is always at a game of cricket? A bat.
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Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 
Because he was a little horse!
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What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
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I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
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I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
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Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!
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Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing? Just in case you get a hole in one.
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I wish I could clean mirrors for a living. It's just something I can see myself doing.
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How do the trees get on the internet? They log on.
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To the guy who invented zero... thanks for nothing.
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
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What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint!
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*Reversing the car* "Ah, this takes me back"
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Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter. Doctor: I don't follow you.
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How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training
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How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
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