I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

R.I.P. boiled water. You will be mist.

Q: What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti?
A: Pasta la vista, baby!

The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything"

Why is the ocean always blue? Because the shore never waves back.

Why did the feline fail the lie detector test? Because he be lion.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!

I decided to sell my Hoover… well it was just collecting dust.

Why do ducks make great detectives? They always quack the case.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds!

What do I look like? A JOKE MACHINE!?

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

What is a tornado's favorite game to play? Twister!

You know that cemetery up the road? People are dying to get in there.

Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in The Bahamas. These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

What is worse then finding a worm in your Apple? Finding half a worm in your Apple.

What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grrrrrainnnnnssss.