What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?  I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down.

To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.

What do you call a female snake. misssssssss 

Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop signing "I'm A Believer"... Then I saw her face.

I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.

What do you call two barracuda fish?  A Pairacuda!

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk? Ketchup.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

What do you do on a remote island? Try and find the TV island it belongs to.

Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.

Dad I’m hungry’ … ‘Hi hungry I’m dad

I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.  I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Whoever invented the knock-knock joke should get a no bell prize.

Wife: Honey I’m pregnant.

Me: Well…. what do we do now?

Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor.

Me: Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

Have you heard the story about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field.

When will the little snake arrive? I don't know but he won't be long...

Why was Pavlov's beard so soft?  Because he conditioned it.