What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint!

*Reversing the car* "Ah, this takes me back"

Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter. Doctor: I don't follow you.

How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training

How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.

A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work that day.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.

What do you call a beehive without the b's? An eehive.

What kind of pants do ghosts wear? Boo jeans.

Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the cashier keeps putting it back.

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey." The horse says "Sure."

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize? Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

"Dad, I'm hungry." Hello, Hungry. I'm Dad.

I'm practicing for a bug-eating contest and I've got butterflies in my stomach.

I have the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep? Matt.