I saw my husband trip and fall while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes. I watched it all unfold.

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? They had a reptile dysfunction.

Why did the house go to the doctor? It was having window panes.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my Trail Mix.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.

A Skeleton walked into a bar he said I need a beer and a mop

How do robots eat guacamole? With computer chips.

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig

How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.

Sgt.: Commissar! Commissar! The troops are revolting! Commissar: Well, you’re pretty repulsive yourself.

The other day I was listening to a song about superglue, it’s been stuck in my head ever since.

What don't watermelons get married? Because they cantaloupe.

If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

The great thing about stationery shops is they're always in the same place...

Did you hear about the cheese who saved the world? It was Legend-dairy!