Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot.

A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”

What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

People are shocked to discover I have a police record but I love their greatest hits!

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks...... "Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?"

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they’re not laughing now.

What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño face.

Don't buy flowers at a monastery. Because only you can prevent florist friars.

Hostess: Do you have a preference of where you sit?
Dad: Down.

Did you hear about the submarine industry? It really took a dive...

The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

To the person who stole my anti-depressant pills: I hope you're happy now.

How do you get a baby alien to sleep?  You rocket.

Why do pirates not know the alphabet? They always get stuck at "C".