Is the pool safe for diving? It deep ends.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

My wife told me to rub the herbs on the meat for better flavor. That's sage advice.

A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts. 

Ben & Jerry's really need to improve their operation. The only way to get there is down a rocky road.

How are false teeth like stars? They come out at night!

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. It was bread in captivity.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

What is this movie about? It is about 2 hours long.

Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrr!

Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch? Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy.

How does a dyslexic poet write? Inverse.

Don't tell secrets in corn fields. Too many ears around.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!

Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement.

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

Why did the opera singer go sailing? They wanted to hit the high Cs.

Bought a new jacket suit the other day and it burst into flames. Well, it was a blazer