Why was the broom late for the meeting? He overswept.

I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo. It was great. She’s a keeper.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. 
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. 
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-vest-igator!

What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What biscuit does a short person like? Shortbread. 

The invention of the wheel was what got things rolling

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? Because he has low elf esteem.

Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships? So they could Scandinavian.

Want to hear a chimney joke? Got stacks of em! First one's on the house

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!

If two vegans are having an argument, is it still considered beef?

My sea sickness comes in waves.

For Valentine's day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.  It's the little things that count.

What's the worst thing about ancient history class? The teachers tend to Babylon.

My new thesaurus is terrible. In fact, it's so bad, I'd say it's terrible.

What type of music do balloons hate? Pop music!