Bought a new jacket suit the other day and it burst into flames. Well, it was a blazer

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

Why is the new Kindle screen textured to look like paper? So you feel write at home.

My New Years resolution is to stop leaving things so late.

New atoms frequently lose electrons when they fail to keep an ion them.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

Got a new suit recently made entirely of living plants. I wasn’t sure at first, but it’s grown on me

My new thesaurus is terrible. In fact, it's so bad, I'd say it's terrible.

I invented a new word! Plagiarism!

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

I started a new business making yachts in my attic this year...the sails are going through the roof

Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.

Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please.
Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

What's black and white and read all over? The newspaper.

In the news a courtroom artist was arrested today, I'm not surprised, he always seemed sketchy.

I asked my date to go to the gym the other day. They never showed up. That's when I knew we wouldn't work out.

I knew i shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now i’m feeling a little… Eel

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.