Why are fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales.

What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.

Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.

This morning I was wondering where the sun was, but then it dawned on me.

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

What did the sea say to the sand? "We have to stop meeting like this."

Why is it so windy inside an arena? All those fans.

A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. 

“Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?” 

The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

“Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom! 

What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted

Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.

Why did the clown have neck pain? - Because he slept funny

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look, no hands!

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

How was the snow globe feeling after the storm? A little shaken.