Some people say that I never got over my obsession with Phil Collins.
But take a look at me now.

Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’

I saw an ad in a shop window, "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full", I thought, "I can't turn that down".

What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator? A Fermilabrador Retriever.

I always wanted to look into why I procrastinate, but I keep putting it off. 

What's blue and not very heavy?  Light blue.

Guy told me today he did not know what cloning is. I told him, "that makes 2 of us."

I was so proud when I finished the puzzle in six months, when on the side it said three to four years.

Where did you learn to make ice cream? Sunday school.

Coffee has a tough time at my house, every morning it gets mugged.

A quick shoutout to all of the sidewalks out there... Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup. Anyone can roast beef, but nobody can pee soup.

Leather is great for sneaking around because it's made of hide.

What do you get if you cross a turkey with a ghost? A poultry-geist!

People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.