A farmer had 297 cows, when he rounded them up, he found he had 300

What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up

I've been trying to come up with a dad joke about momentum . . . but I just can't seem to get it going.

My friend keeps telling me "Cheer up. You aren't stuck in a deep hole in the ground, filled with water."
I know he means well.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

There's not really any training for garbagemen. They just pick things up as they go.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok, he woke up.

If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up

I asked my date to go to the gym the other day. They never showed up. That's when I knew we wouldn't work out.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. 

“Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?” 

The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”

What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

Why did the knife dress up in a suit? Because it wanted to look sharp

Why can't eggs have love? They will break up too soon.

I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they are going and meet up with them later.

I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.