Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!

What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.

I was so proud when I finished the puzzle in six months, when on the side it said three to four years.

So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill”

My sea sickness comes in waves.

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they’re not laughing now.

Conjunctivitis.com – now that’s a site for sore eyes.

People saying 'boo! to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year.... That's a frightening statistic.

I asked my date to go to the gym the other day. They never showed up. That's when I knew we wouldn't work out.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

Shout out to my grandma, that's the only way she can hear.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.  That’s just how I roll.

How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian

It was so cold yesterday my computer froze. My own fault though, I left too many windows open.