I broke my finger at work today, on the other hand I'm completely fine.

Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.

What do you do on a remote island? Try and find the TV island it belongs to.

“Hold on, I have something in my shoe”  “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

When Dad drops a pea off of his plate ‘oh dear I’ve pee’d on the table!

How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!

What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.

I was so proud when I finished the puzzle in six months, when on the side it said three to four years.

So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill”

‘Put the cat out’ … ‘I didn’t realize it was on fire

Scientists finally did a study on forks. It's about tine!