I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague? Now we just have to call him Dav.

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!

Nurse: Doctor, there's a patient that says he's invisible. Doctor: Well, tell him I can't see him right now!

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

I knew i shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now i’m feeling a little… Eel

What did the shy pebble wish for? That she was a little boulder.

For Valentine's day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.  It's the little things that count.

Did you hear about the campsite that got visited by Bigfoot? It got in tents.

My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.

They say Dodger Stadium can hold up to fifty-six thousand people, but that is just a ballpark figure.

Some people say that I never got over my obsession with Phil Collins.
But take a look at me now.

Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.

You know that cemetery up the road? People are dying to get in there.

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.

Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight. That would cause mass confusion.