How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of stuff. It is enough to make a mango crazy.

I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience. That surprised me, I thought it was an entry level position.

What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot?

A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’

How many bones are in the human hand? A handful of them.

How are false teeth like stars? They come out at night!

Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement.

How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all of the fans left.

I've been trying to come up with a dad joke about momentum . . . but I just can't seem to get it going.

How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all of the fans left.

I gave my friend 10 puns hoping that one of them would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

Guy told me today he did not know what cloning is. I told him, "that makes 2 of us."

What do you call corn that joins the army? Kernel.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle.

What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight. That would cause mass confusion.

My friend told me that pepper is the best seasoning for a roast, but I took it with a grain of salt.