I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.

I went to the store to pick up eight cans of sprite... when I got home I realized I'd only picked seven up

"Dad, do you think it's going to snow this winter?" "I dont know, its all up in the air"

Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet? But most just have 4.

What did the piece of bread say to the knife? Butter me up.

Don't trust atoms. They make up everything.

Why did the belt go to prison? He held up a pair of pants!

It's been months since I bought the book "how to scam people online". It still hasn't turned up.

Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders? To hold his pants up.

They say Dodger Stadium can hold up to fifty-six thousand people, but that is just a ballpark figure.

A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.

You know that cemetery up the road? People are dying to get in there.

A farmer had 297 cows, when he rounded them up, he found he had 300

What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up

I've been trying to come up with a dad joke about momentum . . . but I just can't seem to get it going.

My friend keeps telling me "Cheer up. You aren't stuck in a deep hole in the ground, filled with water."
I know he means well.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!