Some people say that comedians who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out, but they don't know watt they are talking about. They're not that bright.

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.

Every night at 11:11, I make a wish that someone will come fix my broken clock.

How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor.

My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads “Small medium at large.”

Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? To prove that he was framed!

Why did the half blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!

I saw an ad in a shop window, "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full", I thought, "I can't turn that down".

I been watching a channel on TV that is strictly just about origami — of course it is paper-view.

A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts. 

Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said “Two beers please, one for me and one for the road.”

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.

My wife told me to rub the herbs on the meat for better flavor. That's sage advice.

What do you do when you see a space man?
Park your car, man.

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of stuff. It is enough to make a mango crazy.